True Living... The Small Things

The thought that I was once scared of thirty makes me realize that I was not living life to it's full potential. I thought I had to beat the guy on the other side of the world or living room at the game. I thought I had to know if Elena ended up with Damon (for the sixth time mind you). I thought true parenting comes at teenage years...

The t.v. hasn't been turned on in weeks unless it's watching Disney movies on Thursday's night. The gaming system have only been touched with a feather duster except the Wii. And quite honestly? I feel younger than I did at 22. I think it's because I have discovered what really matters in this life. It's finding causes that you believe in and giving it your all. 

Matthew and I were even joking about how much more money we have saved by turning off the tv and getting off our butts. I have slowly started becoming active again since having Kate. The baby weight is completely off too and my stomach needs some toning but that's to be expected. We have been playing Just Dance on the Wii with the kids. It's hilarious watching Matthew, all six feet and five inches and 310 pounds of him, dancing with the kids. I love watching it. You can't buy that kind of entertainment. 

As far as our relationship? We feel closer than ever. You read that right. We can't have sex right now and yet we are closer than ever. I think it's because we have reverted to back when were just friends. Dancing in the front yard after washing the cars completely drenched after the hose pipe fight. Listening to him about his work even though of it is greek to me. Play the piano together once the kids are asleep with candles lit. 

That man still makes me weak in the knees after all this time. Matthew is and always be Sex on the Beach to me. Just seeing his uniform hanging up reminds the dedication he has put to his country and the dedication he has put to bettering himself. There are the times where I am worried when he gets called to duty but I knew that since the moment he sauntered into my bar in his uniform. 

It's going up to my son's room and smelling the cedar smell he loves so much. Asking for his new drawings because he always has something new for me to scan into my computer. It's the eating at Cracker Barrel because it's his favorite and he eats the most there. It's playing the peg game and watching him get at himself and showing him the cheating way because I memorized that a long time ago.

It's seeing AJ stand up and walk to me because he wants his ball so bad. It's hearing him say "woll wide" and grinning at Matthew's crushed face. War Tide, Baby. It's knowing that AJ won't have to go stay at one or the other's parent's house. It's seeing him doing his bath dance when Matthew gives him a bath.

It's hearing Bella act out her little skits knowing how badly she wants to be an actress. It's watching her give away her tiaras to sick little girls. It's watching her become a humble child. It's putting the top down and watching her sing her heart out. 

It's realizing that Kate is still size the baby doll even after all this time. It's watching her swing in her cradle. The holding her close while she nurses. It's finding Matthew awake just watching her. The hiding in the bathtub while Matthew is hogging her anyhow. 

It's finding my niece working on her planner. Her telling me I am old. The squeals erupting because Disney gets a day closer each day. It's the hugs and telling me I am back to being normal. It's the laughter of bunch of kisses being placed. 

Watching my baby twin sisters continue their families. Ridge overcoming a miscarriage. Bre finally giving birth to a real Ray. It's them laughing at each other's parenting style. The laughter we all share at how we born to give birth. Don't fret we can repopulate the world if needed to be.

It's my cousin's girlfriend asking me to her bridesmaid. It's hearing her in awe of my cousin when I knew him when he was the geeky kid trying to fit in the cool kids. Realizing how happy my cousin is with her that he is singing and taking pictures again. 

It's these little things and more that me glad I got to thirty to experience.

What is a...

Friend?

I was terrified of coming to this stage of my life. I was afraid I was going to feel too old or be a huge stick in the mud. My life wasn't ready to take a complete mature level or so I thought.

I may not be five but I giggle. I have many reason to giggle. One of the main reasons is I have friends. They aren't constant friends. We don't do insane things. We don't drown our sorrows. Instead we lift each other up.

Part of the real reason why I love my friends is because there is rarely jealously. We just don't put up with it. If we think someone is being jealous in our true group of friends we call them out on it because it really needs to be addressed.

I smile as I write this thinking that even at 30 I am still making new friends. +Jessica walked briskly into my life and gives me several reasons to smile, laugh and most of all giggle. The things listed above in the graphic is what friends do.

People who say you have to look out for yourself are sad people who don't know how to really be a friend themselves. I have never said looking out for yourself was a good thing because it isn't. I have always had friends in my life. Yes most of the time they are family. We bicker and fuss but we laugh by the end of the conversations.

Tonight I was laughing so hard I swear the little one inside me thought "Oh yay vibrating bed!" Hearing two tiny tots become friends is the most amazing thing. Not to mention listening to them try to be grown up like their parents is the most adorable thing. These tots know what it takes to be friends why do adults forget these lessons? People need to stop getting their knickers in a knot and just accept life with full forgiveness and loving ways.

I realized tonight as I hug up the phone; life is full of unexpected little presents and I plan to cherish them all now. Including Disney squeals, gutter talks, and planner conventions.

60

Today is my birthday,

It is one that I have been dreading for the last 5 years. I used to throw the biggest fit and just cry thinking about it. Today was not like that though. Today I realized something profound; this is the best 30 years anyone could ever ask for in a life.

Yes, my life hasn't been perfect. I have made many mistakes, but I admit many things that I used to blame on others was really something I did myself. For instance, I realize that many times the things I wore the and the things I did brought the attention. Plus, my entire attitude brought the bad attention and not the good.

I look around and I finally see the blessings that I thought were in disguise but were wide out in the open like I always dreamed. I have a loving family; husband that adores me and my children. My darling angels; Bella who is finally growing up, Edward who is too grown up, AJ who is exploring the world, tiny little girl inside me, and Jake who looks down at me from heaven reminding me to be on my best behavior even when it's hard.

Yes, life isn't perfect. I have lost both my parents already. I have lost a child. I have had my heart broken several times. But I don't dwell on these things I remind myself that sure the world will care or say they care for about a day but things happen to everyone and everyday. The world shouldn't pity me. I can take care of my life myself.

I have a wonderful career. I get to do what I love and not settle for some second rate job. I get to meet all kinds of people with my jobs. That's one thing I love is having a network that I can trust and realize they have my back in decision making and moving forward with a plan.

I don't regret having money. If you think you can make me feel guilty, well, you won't be the first one to try but you won't succeed. I have worked hard for my money. Many people think it is just handed to me. It is not my fault you can't go to college or you didn't keep going to college to keep showing how serious you are about your career. Also many times I see people that tell me I should be ashamed no I have been on the poor side of town. I don't intend to move back there if I can help it. I went into a profession that I loved and not because of the money. That makes all the difference.

So basically at the end of my 30th birthday I can look around and see all the wonderful family and friends I have and realize that if I can get another 30 years like the last ones I'll be doing amazing. Bring on 60!

Game Over

I love surprises and my husband's family is the most amazing at that. Guess whose lap I am sitting in as I type this? That's my right my husband's. And why is that so amazing? Because we are in Paris with all of our kids; from Edward to AJ to Joyelle who is inside me.

We have been enjoying Disneyland Paris which is where he surprised me. I was totally stunned at the fact that the man who had paid for our food was in fact my own husband. It was so amazing because we all ran to him. I am so blessed for him in my life.

I did ask him why he came to Paris, knowing he isn't the biggest fan of France, "I wanted to see you." He is only staying for three days but it's completely worth it. I like the time away from him but I love the time with him. It says a lot about us.

People have judged me all the time because Matthew makes the third time I got married. The first two times was to the same man. Matthew is different. Matthew pushes my career even when I want to lay in the bed in read, he pushes me to get a job. I push him to get up and do something beside playing video games now because let's face it. He is a damn grown man the video games need to stop.

That's why our family has changed so much in the past month. It took a cousin of mine pointing out the horror of my life. "You are turning into [his] parents." (Not Matthew's but I also not saying whose parents either.) I literally gasped and screamed and then cried. I got physically sick to my stomach. My crohn's flared up so bad. It was a terrible nightmare come true.

Four years ago I knew a couple that cherished one child over the other, played video games all the time and did enough to get by every day. My world turned cold when my cousin said that to me because it was true. That was when something snapped. I screaming like a lunatic to Matthew and told him I couldn't live like this. I refused to live in filth just because he was a gamer and he had to get out of that.

That was the beginning to our family changes. We have sold several COD packs and expansion packs and add ons, gaming systems, and controllers. I quit my paid subscription to Runescape. We cleaned out our a gaming room. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I refuse to be that couple anymore that sits around gaming all day thinking that's a cool and a good way to spend life. It scares the hell out of me how many hours I have wasted in front of screen. No more.

A Shoe Can Change Your Life

We all have those moments where we realized we have changed. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's for the worse. Time changes a person regardless of what they do in time. How you handle the change is really what defines you in life.

Looking at my other blog I can see just how far I have come in my life. I am not a wishful thinker anymore. I am a person that gets up and does what she wants to happen. Sometimes my time goals are not achieved but things happen that we cannot control.

I have been looking forward to blogging again since I have found peace in my life. I will explain in more detail what changes I have made in my life in a later post because I find it important to be upfront and I think it will help me to express how I feel about those changes.

This is not going just personal blog. I have many hobbies and loves that I plan to share with you; pole dancing, weddings, Disney, cooking, baking, fashion, books, and games.

I know that's a strange combination of things but it's who I am and what I love. I am 29 (and holding on) girl trying to better herself through all the chaos of being a friend, wife, mother, sister, aunt, cousin and boss. This time I am taking you all along for the journey.